~Susan

And to echo a previous post, I am also delighted to see how much love my mom is pouring into my daughters as she teaches them sewing, art, and a whole host of things I never invested in. I am grieved by my mother’s unbelief, but am determined to teach my daughters to love and appreciate her in ways I never did. And I find it helps me to love her more as well.

~Susan

And, Nancy, thank you –You’re right on target with a call to older women to instruct the younger ones. I am grateful to the eighty year old lady who gathered me and other hungry young women under her wing when we were first saved. She held regular Bible studies in her home for us. We new, younger Christians had not a clue about Godly womanhood or what it should look and act like. She took loving care of us. Her teaching, example, and nurturing friendship directed us on right paths. Spared us all from many pitfalls.

I’m glad you talked about the need for senior Christians to step forth in service to God’s children (of all ages and especially those from non-Christian backgrounds) so our younger believers may grow in grace and knowledge about living rightly.

I’m glad to share a couple thoughts along this line. Today, more than ever before, increasing numbers find themselves ill prepared for responsibilities in marriage and successful homemaking. They long to manage their duties well as part of their service to God. Such yearning is good —leading us to learn and “be filled”. If this hunger isn’t filled, it leads to frustration. That’s why I, too, think the need for Biblical “motherly and fatherly” guidance is great. To this end, our church’s women’s group recently involved some of our senior ladies who, using the “nest” as a theme and organized various categories accordingly.

It’s a sweet theme, especially as springtime arrives. If you like, please feel welcome to share our topics, which are by no means exhaustive–or perfectly developed. Perhaps the ideas will provide an inspirational springboard for action by other older women reading this—God has placed wise and faithful senior ladies in all of our congregations. These are women, who by experience, faithfulness, prayers, and the leading of the Holy Spirit, are most capable of taking others under their wing and sharing their wisdom in an edifying manner. Here are some of the areas we cover:

Feathering Your Nest: Aspects on Biblical Womanhood and the Home

Building Your Nest—balance, peace, and beauty in the home. The purpose of the nest; creating a good atmosphere

Organizing the Nest: the business of running a smooth household–how tos

The Pecking Order-roles and interaction, major stages in childhood, needs

Caring for Your Fledglings in the fear and admonition of the Lord: Duties of parents and children—

Four and Twenty Blackbirds baked into a Pie- The importance of mealtime. How mealtime nurtures both body and soul— Menu ideas (recipe exchange)

The Love Birds: Husband and Wife relationships, attitudes towards billing and cooing

Flocking Together -when others visit your nest: Hospitality

Dealing with Ruffled Feathers and Quieting Needless Squawks

Flying the Coup vs. Resting in the Nest: Thoughts on Marriage and How to avoid Divorce

When Fledglings take Wing-transition time as young people leave home

The Single Nest - Why it’s important, what it needs, and what it offers. Single parents, unmarried saints, and widowed adults.

The Empty Nest: After the fledglings depart

Caring for those with Wounded Wings

Caring for those with Aging Wings

Song Birds—the importance of (good) music, its role in home, faith, and hearts of a family.

In the Shadow of His Wing–when storms occur

Soaring with the Eagles: Devotion and Prayer times

Our gatherings provide a time of encouragement, sharing and good teaching. There’s also ample time for fellowship where deeper relationships can develop. Women of all ages- from college to senior singles and those in between enjoy getting together.

We never outgrow the need to encourage one another or to grow in grace and knowledge. Thank you for your blog, which is doing these very things.

No doubt Mrs. Wilson will have some stellar thoughts for you (and for me) in her promised post. In the meantime, here’s a little essay that might help you…or frustrate you…or a bit of both, as I’ve found.
And a few thoughts from me: The fact that you didn’t have a loving father really is a legitimate problem — you are not crazy or wrong to think so! The Bible exhorts believers to care for widows and the fatherless. The problem widows and the fatherless have isn’t so much that they lack means as that they lack men. That is, they (we) lack the leadership, protection and provision God designed for women to have. So Scripture confirms that this is a legitimate problem.

Happily, we have a God on whom we can cast our legitimate problems, because He cares for us. How He will deal with this problem in your particular case or in my particular case, I can’t say, but I know He is not unconcerned with our struggles.

First of all, He really is a Father to the fatherless. He really does lead, protect and provide for us. It’s hard to see when I want this or that particular sort of guidance or help. It’s hard exactly because I can’t see…or hear or touch Him. But the more I learn to thank Him for what He has done that I can see clearly — every meal, every safe trip home, every wise sermon or good book or life lesson learned — the more I see His care and the more I trust Him for the things I can’t yet see. Gratitude is a powerful perspective-changer. Can’t say I’ve really gotten the hang of it yet, but I am learning.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the man of whom Jesus said that he was born blind “that the works of God should be revealed in him.” It is a very hard lesson, but I am learning to say, “Lord, if You can glorify Your name because of my troubles, that is enough for me. I will thank You for Your design for my life, and I will rejoice in the midst of my suffering.” Again, can’t say I’ve really gotten the hang of it yet, but I am learning.

Another thought I’ve found helpful is to compare father-hunger to a disability. it’s not something I can change, but if I can accept it, then I can begin to figure out how to live with it. Rather than waiting for it to change, I can proceed with living my life with what I’ve got — using what talents I have rather than burying them and bewailing that I didn’t get more. Another thing I’m definitely still learning.

Here’s a ticklish one: Be open to, but don’t demand, fatherly care from leaders in your church. I believe, as this post says, that this is something that God calls shepherds (pastors and elders) to provide to their flocks. But we can’t demand that this play out exactly the way we want it. For one thing, I think a vision for this sort of thing is quite rare among churches, so a) it’s not fair to expect it to suddenly materialize for our convenience, and b) few, if any, have a good grasp how this sort of thing should play out in the details, and we shouldn’t assume that we do. For another thing, relationships between grown men and women are trickier than relationships between daddies and their own little girls…and even trickier for those of us who didn’t have daddies that taught us how to relate to men. About 20 years ago, I messed my heart up somethin’ fierce by letting my feelings for a spiritual leader get out of whack. Happily, this is something that I have gotten the hang of, though it requires vigilance, and probably always will. The section of the puzzle that we can definitely work on piecing together is this: “Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you” (Hebrews 13:17). We can receive what leadership and shepherding we are given with gratitude that shows itself in obedience — be there, listen and apply the Word as it’s preached to you, seek and follow counsel on difficult issues, serve the body, wash the feet of the saints.

I’m sure Mrs. Wilson will have a wiser perspective, but perhaps it will be helpful to have some thoughts from someone who’s been through, and is still going through, a situation similar to yours. If not, at least it was helpful for me to organize my thoughts on the topic!

Do you know of a good resource about how father hunger can appropriately be addressed in a female? Thankfully my mom, though I don’t think she’s a Christian (judging by her lack of interest in the Bible, little mention of God, etc.), taught me things I don’t recall my dad ever teaching, though he was providing for us materially by day and home every evening. Dad didn’t raise me in the church (thankfully, though, Mom did!). Dad didn’t teach me to be honest so far as Mom or I recall, he didn’t teach me to avoid certain guys or particular ways of interacting with them. . . The only time I remember him commenting on my (mostly good) grades, unless echoing a nice remark my mom made in front of him, was when I brought home straight Ds for one class in school.

When I came to work under a thoughtful Christian man later in high school I found myself wondering what he’d be like as a dad, wanting to adopt him, thinking how fortunate somebody would be to have him in that capacity. I savored and tucked into memory the discussions we had while working. When an old red-faced man at church in college would greet me sincerely, asking me how I was and pulling me to him in a hug, I’d think of adopting him as a grandfather. I hungered for the glowing eyes of a male friend in college, amazed that someone I respected so much cared for and appreciated me like he did. I wanted to run everything through this Christian’s man’s thoughtful head–things my nonChristian dad couldn’t guide me on and prompt me toward–and came to realize being as emotionally close to a guy my age as I felt to him was not appropriate. I still feel like men (whom I normally, incidentally, would avoid physically and emotionally if they looked at me with like that friend did) are quite foreign to my experience. I’ve struggled with coveting fathers at my current church–Christian men who love God, who discipline out of love, who bestow wisdom, who can guide their daughters Biblically in understanding the Bible and marrying a godly man…. Now I’m in my mid-twenties, hoping that if I marry well much of the aches and lacks will find their fulfillment (and that remnants will prompt me to be more conscious of the needs of others, the potential consequences of my actions on others, and God’s sufficiency and provision), that I’ll have a thoughtful man to help me grow into Christ’s image day after day, that I’ll have the support and love and encouragement. But as it is now it looks like I may be single permanently. And I don’t know females I can talk to on overtly theological and philosophical issues in the same degree I can with men I’ve known. (I’ve had males, plus a female oddly like me, tell me that I have an unusual mind “for a girl,” that I “think a bit more like a man than most females”.) And I’m wondering if there IS an appropriate way to address the father hunger other than the tiniest bit, marriage aside; I have trouble thinking such could be appropriate when I’m a grown woman.

I’m also wondering how to go about addressing a wrong relationship to men. For some reason, I usually get incredibly uncomfortable knowing men are attracted to me. I have a lot of trouble admitting they like me, usually–I still have trouble admitting it with the friend, though I can’t deny those eyes, and I will not take him to have been lying when he voiced his appreciation to me, and I believed his friend was telling the truth when he mentioned offhandedly that this guy really respected me–and in most cases I run. I don’t want to even talk to a man I know likes me. I feel. . . guilty? Dirty. Insecure. Like I want to hide my body under numerous layers and overly generous lengths of clothing. Desperate to escape something bad. (Interestingly, my friend I know feels the same way with men also has a bad relationship with her father.)

A different male friend I once divulged my past with my men to, as he wanted to see if I’d be fit to marry him, said, “I don’t think it’s wrong for you to want to be affirmed by men.” Coming to realize what he said, that it was ok to feel the lack, that maybe I had legitimate needs that weren’t being met as opposed to desires I needed to somehow wholly root out, was itself a momentous relief.

I’m writing way more than intended already (and in a thread on _mother_ hunger!)! Let me just close by saying I don’t expect a reply, but if somebody thinks of something Nancy or somebody else has written about a grown woman’s relationship to men, and how to address not being able to tolerate being liked by most men, I’d definitely appreciate a title or something. Perhaps simply “go to a counselor” is what I need to hear?! I’m certainly not expecting somebody to sit there and write up a response to all of this!!! But I don’t know who or how to ask when it comes to people I know….