……and Other Useful Comments

No doubt we have all heard people say this or, even worse, have said it ourselves. Unmarried women, depending on how long they have been in the “still not married” category, could no doubt make an impressive list of thoughtless comments spoken to them by well-meaning people, often at social gatherings, and especially at friends’ weddings. I have heard of some pretty horrendous comments, but I have reminded the women who have been the recipients of such comments, to attribute the best of motives. Most of the time people are trying to be funny, or they are trying to make conversation, and it is all they can think of to say. We really must think the best of them. Taking offense at insensitive comments only makes for bitter women. So if you can quickly bring to mind a list of people who have said unkind things about your unmarried state, perhaps you need to confess some hard feelings and bitterness. Let it go. 

If we are going to talk about unmarried women living in community with lots of married people, we have to be determined from the outset that we must get along. And we must even do better than that: we must love one another and be quick to forgive. I suggest that you accept the fact that people, even dear sweet Christian people, can say and do atrocious things. And if they weren’t saying stupid things that hurt your feelings about being unmarried, then they would be saying something else that would be a temptation. Married women are not immune to such things. So realize that this is just a fact of life, and until the world changes, we will all be exposed to comments that are either deliberately rude at worst, or at best thoughtless and unkind. We might as well determine now that we will handle this like Christian women. And how exactly is that? First of all, handle it with grace. A gracious spirit answers with gracious words. Peter tells us that “the Lord is gracious” (1 Peter 2:3); Christ was known as gracious (Luke 4:22), and Ecclesiastes says that “The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself” (10:12). It is easy to be annoyed or offended. We don’t need grace to do that. But it requires grace from God to return good for evil, to overlook an insult, and to respond to an unkind comment with kindness. We are God’s people; we must imitate Him in this.                 

Sometimes we really are too hard on others. They meant no harm. They did not realize it would hurt our feelings. They thought they were being friendly or funny. But we take it hard. We immediately attribute motives and assume they were intending to hurt us. This is where we have to lighten up a little and have a sense of humor about it. People generally are insensitive and say stupid things without thinking. That is why the Scriptures are so full of exhortations about the tongue. Assume that for each hurtful comment you have ever received, you have probably spoken a least a dozen to others. This will then give you a spirit of humility yourself. Let others’ unkind comments be sermons to you, teaching you to be far more sensitive and caring to others than you have been before.               

When saying this, I am not pretending that comments like these are no big deal. I know they are hurtful, unkind, insensitive, rude, and unloving. They can cause discouragement, embarrassment, annoyance, and even bring on tears. They can easily stumble you and lead to self-pity or cause you to doubt the Lord’s mercy toward you. My point is not that these comments are no big deal. Rather, I want to encourage you to learn to deal with them with grace and wisdom. You want to process them like a Christian woman, not like a worldly woman. Sometimes half the battle is recognizing what is happening. If you can see it coming and identify it as a temptation, then you can ask God to give you a gracious answer and not stew about it later, thinking about all the very witty things you could have said to put that person in his place! If you know this is a stumbling block, and it is, then pray preventively that God will keep you from temptation.               

This is a universal problem. Cancer patients hear horror stories from well-meaning friends about so-in-so who died a quick death after being diagnosed with the same disease. Pregnant women hear about terrible deliveries. When I was pregnant with my first baby, a well-meaning friend asked me who my doctor was. When I told her, she replied, “He almost killed my cousin!” And then she went on to tell the gory details. If you are building a house, you will hear horror stories about other people building houses. So naturally, if you are unmarried, people will give you unhelpful, unmarried comments.  Why do we do this to one another? I surely do not know. It must be our first instinct, but we should know better. But we recognize it far better when others do it to us than when we are doing it to others. So cultivate humility in this area and pray for a gracious tongue. And don’t assume that you are the only person who has to deal with this.               

A gracious spirit also requires a lively sense of humor. Don’t take it all so very seriously, even though the questions may be awkward. So many unmarried women are asked very sticky questions, often from people they don’t even know very well. First of all, you don’t have to answer them all. Just because a person asks you a very personal question does not mean you are required to give an answer. And of course it is better not to answer at all than to tell an outright lie. “Do you wish you were married?” someone might ask. Now don’t lie about it and say, “Oh, not really. I’m very happy with my life.” What you really want to say is, “What a stupid question!” But perhaps a gracious answer would be something like, “Do I ever!” And if you feel chatty, you can go on to say something like, “But I want to be married to the right man. I don’t want to be married just to be married.”               

On the other hand, someone may ask a question that is way too personal. “Is anyone pursuing you right now?” “Is there anyone you are interested in?” “Have you ever been proposed to?”  It may even be more specific and sticky. “What do you think of Brian? He’s an eligible bachelor.” Of course you may answer these if you want to. But an answer is not required. Why not laugh and say, “Do you really think I would answer such a question? No way!” Answering or not answering is perfectly acceptable. The one thing that is not acceptable is taking offense. Change the subject! You decide if it is someone you want to confide in or not.Sometimes the well-meaning ladies in church will tell you they are praying for you. Say, “Thank you for thinking of me!” Be grateful for their kindness and don’t let it ruffle you. After all, if you do want to be married, isn’t it great to know people are praying for you in this? Sometimes friends will want to press you to meet someone or ask you what you think of someone. The same principle applies here. Answer the questions that you are comfortable with. But don’t allow prying questions to force you to make your private feelings public. And welcome help that really is help. There is no sin in trying to get unmarried people to meet each other, and no sin in wanting to meet each other. Don’t over-spiritualize this process. My parents met on a blind date, and they are not unusual in this. Take all the help offered, if it is really going to be help. But feel free to pass when you know it won’t really be the kind of help you want. Finally, don’t let comments like, “Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married?” keep you from attending weddings or other social gatherings. You need to participate in community life. You need all these wonderful people even if they are insensitive, and they need you. Realize that each comment has come with God’s permission and view it as part of your sanctification. Learn to be more gracious in your own conversation so that you are not asking nosey questions yourself. And if the Lord permits you the opportunity, graciously tell them that such questions really make you uncomfortable. More important than answering why you aren’t married, is answering the question, “What is my place as an unmarried woman in the church?” and that is the question I want to address next.